“Monica, you can do it; you are strong; you can heal yourself.” were the words from her, sitting next to me, who was constantly holding me like a straw to prevent me from drowning. Healing had begun from the moment I heard these words.
Two years ago I was at a turning point of my life, a point that comes in some of our lives in different forms and exteremities . A point where life stops making sense. It either dwells when one has too many choices that are leading to confusion or ambiguity that is clouding ones mind or meagre the absence of that connect with your inner self. I was no longer a being but a cocktail shaker which was churning out mixtures every day and pouring out a cloudy mix of emotions. Life knocked me down; mind split, body weakened and soul wounded, I had no strength to move on. Little did I realize that I was nearing the outbreak that will finally become an epidemic. It was time for my thoughts to settle.
I started to look for places that could help me discover what was going through me and accelerate my healing. As usual travel came to my rescue and I left for a retreat to Bali in Indonesia. I took a 6 weeks break from work, the longest in my life so far. I turned off my mobile and deleted my email accounts. Disconnected from the world I reached One world Kumara resort, A serene retreat in the northern part of Ubud, A hilly town in Bali. My room was located on the cliff of the mountain with roaring stream of water flowing underneath, overlooking lush green paddy fields veiled with blue sky.The place had a natural healing energy. I was joined by 10 more solo women travelers from all over the globe who were in search of themselves, just like me. I was the only Indian woman in the group
Nature has a very calming effect, read the board outside my room and I had started to experience it.
They say “we travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us”. But this time I was traveling to escape. Disconnecting from all my gadgets and living amongst lesser known people had started to serve as a great emotional and digital detoxification for my soul. The retreat was designed for anyone desiring to touch base with the self, practice daily meditation and yoga while enjoying a unique and relaxing Balinese vacation. Well balanced meals, dedicated time for nourishing the soul and well planned activities to discover aspects of the Balinese culture were without doubt essential elements for eliminating accumulated stress in me and reconnecting the spirit to the body. Something that stood out for me and had a life changing impact was observing SILENCE for two days.
Until this point I had understood silence as Loneliness.
Loneliness can strike at any time in life and is usually what we fear the most. We are people of the tribe, happiest when clustering with others. As much as I was skeptical about the silence, I was eager to experience it too, this was coming from my usual nature of not to be imprisoned with my fear but conquering it. I thought to myself how often I shall be pinned on that wheel and let my emotions go through the turmoil. that made me wanting to be in a company which would never make me feel alone and what better than my own.
During two days of silence I had a lot of ME time and I spent it observing -my surroundings, my body, vast paddy fields, fish pond outside my room, different emotions on peoples faces who were saying a lot, since we could not exchange words, expressions were being changed and lots was communicated. I could feel my breath, the food passing through my track, soil particles on the earth beneath my feet, the never ending pain that was trying to explode my heart. I was listening to my heart beat, sounds of Gecko, bulbul, bees, cricket and various other tropical creatures, birds chirping, subtle drops of rain, calmness of water flowing through the stream, AUM chanting echoing from the yoga room. Ahhh! Was I listening to all these for the first time? No, they were always around me but I had never paid the attention. Lost in my gadgets, excel sheets, future; I was never aware of my surroundings. Just by being aware I was able to harness that restlessness.
My thoughts inside the cocktail shaker were resting and I was gaining much more clarity. My eyes were continuously flowing. Were they tears? No, they were the expression of my soul to flow freely which ever direction it wanted, I was liberating. The voice echoed “Monica, you can do it; you are strong; you can heal yourself.” Healing was happening, I had gathered all the broken pieces by just being aware of my presence, my pain, my being, my emotions and my silent power.
Silence had started to quieten my mind and help my thoughts to settle. I had never felt this ALIVE before. This enabled me to cure what could not be endured and endure what could not be cured. I knew I was not the only soul on this earth having gone through this experience, there were many and there will be many. Silence no more felt lonely, but a source of great strength. I actually woke up in Bali and now observe 15 minutes silent meditation every day since then. It has given me many answers that words haven’t.
Enjoy The Silence!